you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
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