Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
