I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
