i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I can't put those talents on a resume
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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