Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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