I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
