He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
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So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
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Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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