Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
