tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
