Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
