Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
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