i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
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