omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
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