every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
No subtext here. People are naked.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
