Umm I'm too high to move.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
