mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
