he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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