I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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