I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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