i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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