Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
We don't watch enough power rangers
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
