i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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