Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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