I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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