just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
