Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
