I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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