Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
thus making me awesome and them whores
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
