I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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