Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Don't make out with my wife yet
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
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