So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
