I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
