why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
