please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
