Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
