You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
