I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
