I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
