did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
