i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You ruined the universe
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
