Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
