Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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