5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
