Ambien. No doubt about it.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
