Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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