Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
