yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
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we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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