If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
