Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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