So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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