she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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