so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
