We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
